My friend wrote this and it'll probably hit some people hard but I think she's an awesome writer and some of you may be able to relate to her story, but i really hope not.. trigger warning
No one tells you how to really handle these kind of things; that's because most of us assume it'll never happen to any of us. I don't think many people truly understand how it feels to have a person sexually assault you. I have had many pains in my life but this? Nothing will ever compare to it. So many people have already told me "I will get through this" and although I appreciate the help, until it happens to you, you don't get to tell me how or when I will get through this.
You're going to go through a lot of emotional feelings while you're in this healing process. For me I've experienced a lot of rage, depression, anxiety, etc. I found myself isolating from every male or any type of relationship. The person who raped me was my friend and although he had his past I chose to believe the good in him; just like I do with everyone. I was a person who gave others chances no matter what their past looked like. There is a reason they called the 'past' it does not define your future.
I wish I would've been like everyone else and blocked him out of my life because what he had done before but I didn't. 99.9% of the time I blame myself for going to see you that night. I know most of you would say "it's not your fault" but in a sense, it is. I should've known better I should've had more strength to get myself out of it. I believe everything happens for a reason but being raped? I wouldn't wish that upon my worst enemy. It's heartbreaking, embarrassing, and just all around wrong.
I wonder if he can't sleep at night knowing what he did just like I can't sleep at night living with the fact that he raped me. I wonder if my rapist feels any remorse for what he did. Does he know I went to work without sleeping at all? Did he think about how this would effect me? We were friends but I guess I chose the wrong person to be friends with. I ask myself every day why did he chose to do this to me, WHY ME? I am nothing special, I'm a complicated person, and all around, I'm not that pretty. Regardless of looks and all of that, raping another person is NEVER ok. The point I'm getting at is why did he do this to me.
I found myself wanting to text you and ask you was it worth it? Can you live with yourself? Are you proud knowing you took my life from me? I also wondered if you even remembered what I wore that night or hearing me telling you I wanted to go home. No means NO and silence also means NO. After you are raped your entire world turns upside down and you feel like a walking zombie for a very long time. I smile, I do my everyday life but inside I am dying because I am the victim in this. While my rapist walks around a free man.
At first, I did not want to tell the police I was assaulted. Before this happened I could never understand why the victims never came forward about their assaults. But now that it has happened to me I understand perfectly. Fortunately, I had a best friend who woke me up and made me realize that this isn't ok. I didn't deserve that, no one does. No one deserves to have their freedom taken from them like that. This is MY body and you decided I wasn't worth enough to be valued as a human being.
You lose people, it happens. During this time everyone I thought were my friends went ghost. Some of my friends didn't believe I was raped until he admitted it, others called me a piece of shit for even being with him. It's just the world we live in - people are cold hearted and nothing will ever change that. I've always believed in a quote that said "when things get rough, and sides are taken, you'll find out who was real, and who was faking." Almost half of my friends made me realize they didn't give a damn about me and that was ok, I deserved better than them.
You blame yourself. It's inevitable you're going to blame yourself most of the time. I wondered if I wore something too revealing, or did I come off as flirty? Even if I did any of those that does not give another person a right to rape them. I'm constantly tossing and turning at night trying to make sense of what happened. And again, back to that question; why me? You ruined my life but I know when the day comes and I get past this, I have you to thank for making me stronger.
Most of the time I have a lot of anger towards you. No one is a perfect person but I just don't understand why another human being would take away someone's voice like that. Do you feel like a man now? Do you brag about getting to sleep with the girl you've always wanted? Or do you keep it to yourself because you know you're a complete and utter piece of shit. You are a sick fucking human being. I hope you are somewhere praying, and I surely hope your soul is changing. Only some things you do in your life God can only forgive. You will die one day living with the fact you raped someone. I wonder if I was the first one? Or just another person. western style garments for the wedding
We both know the truth on what happened that night. And although I was not in the right mind I knew what was happening. You didn't try to help me, you just took advantage of me. I don't forgive you, and I never will. I pray to god your mother, sister, or any woman you care for does not experience what you put me through. You are, by far, the worst person I have ever met in my life. Shame on you. I choose to believe God will play his course and give you the karma you fucking deserve.